So my bf watches porn ALOT. He doesn’t watch it with me and he denies that he does it. He blocks it on the computer so he doesn’t “lie” about it, but I know he does cu he has the videos downloaded. Sometimes i feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I do not have big boobs, he always complements me on my butt. He said he is a butt guy, not a boob guy however all of the porn videos he watches are “girls with big boobs” etc… The couple times we have watched it together, he made it out as a joke if that makes sense. HELP PLEASE!!

– Kandi

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website
There’s a couple things to accept about men:

1. They’re visual creatures (pictures, movies, boobs – big or small, butts – flat or “ba-donk-a-donk”… get the blood flowing). When thinking about preferences, think about taste buds and how two people will never taste something the same way. And, even though your favorite slice of pizza may be pepperoni, that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a plain slice with extra cheese!

2. They masturbate… a LOT! And, they do it with or without having a partner because hey, it feels good. It’s possible that he associates porn with his masturbatory lifestyle, which is a solo act, and while watching porn with your partner can be hot, maybe it’s just not his shtick.

3. Porn is still considered “taboo” or “private”. It was and still sometimes is, something to be hidden. He may feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or just plain uncomfortable because of certain messages (religious, cultural, or otherwise) he may have received growing up about sexuality and who/what types of people watch porn (i.e. only perverts watch it). More specifically, there is this whole dichotomy between wanting the Madonna (someone pure and innocent)versus wanting the Whore (sexually experienced and promiscuous) and while it is 2011, your beau may hold onto previously ingrained ideas about women, women’s sexuality, and what it may mean for his girlfriend to enjoy watching porn, if you actually enjoy watching it.

4. Humor is a way to divert discomfort! Using humor is a way to lighten the mood, remove seriousness, and hide from whatever is causing the discomfort (and no, this is not male-specific)!

Also, there’s a couple things to know about porn: the overwhelming majority of the films are geared toward fulfilling men’s fantasies. With the exception of some specialties, the majority of female pornstars have tiny waists, big (typically fake) boobs, wear pounds of makeup, and are extremely thin. Society dictates that these are the traits that hetero men should be attracted to…so really, he’s watching what is widely available. While I’m generally pro-porn, I can’t help but acknowledge that it does set up some misconceptions about sex and sets up some rather unrealistic expectations. Not all women have 36FF boobs and similarly, not all men have 9’’ cocks!

I’m sorry to hear that you sometimes feel that he would rather watch porn than have sex with you. What I would challenge you to do is ask yourself if that is really true? Have there actually been times when you put the moves on him and he said “Sorry hon, I’d rather watch “Debbie Does Dallas” and rub one out solo.” While men love to masturbate, the overwhelming majority of the men I’ve worked with say they’d much rather have someone to play with if given the choice. I’d also challenge you to ask yourself how you feel about your boyfriend being sexual without you and whether you’re feeling left out or “not enough” to satisfy him because of it.

As always, communication is key – so if you’re feeling left out, tell him. If you want to incorporate porn into your sex life, ask him what he thinks about it… and if you’re feeling like you don’t match the women he watches in porn, you’re right! And you never will be… their image is created to look a certain way. Appreciate that he appreciates your bangin’ butt and strut girlfriend!

Dr. Adam Sheck
(Inactive) | Website

I believe there are at least TWO separate issues going on here: a trust issue and a communication issue. The forum for these issue is the topic of pornography, which can enhance or detract from a relationship. That’s an entirely different topic, but my opinion from working with hundreds of couples over the last twenty years is that as long as you are getting your sexual needs met from your partner AND the pornography isn’t detracting from the intimacy of your relationship, it’s not a problem. Only you know if this is an issue or not or if it’s more about the trust/communication.

In terms of trust, either YOU don’t trust that your boyfriend is telling the truth about his use of porn (you choose to interpret the facts in this way) and/or HE doesn’t trust YOU in sharing his use of porn. This may be connected to some basic issues in your relationship as well as perhaps his own shame/guilt in using porn. The solution can be resolved by addressing the second issue, the communication issue. You two would benefit from creating a space (perhaps facilitated if necessary). If you are both able to share what is REALLY going on between you right now and how this feels, then more of the truth will come out and create a space for increased intimacy.

I wish you both the best and encourage you to share what’s really going on to get to the heart of the matter.

Dr. Adam Sheck

Dr. Antoinette Izzo D.H.S., M.A.
Profile | Facebook Page

In order to best address the issue at hand, you’ve got to be clear about the “so what?” You’ve told us about what he does (or what you think or assume) he does, but except for “Sometimes I feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me,” it’s not clear what your actual concern is. I’ll do my best to read between the lines, but it’s definitely something for you to give some thought to.

Some people choose not to watch porn at all, some people watch porn A LOT, and everyone else fits in somewhere along the spectrum. Porn can be a healthy and fulfilling part of what gets us going sexually, so it’s important to keep in mind that watching porn is a personal choice that doesn’t merit admonishment in its own right. What about him watching porn is a problem for you? Is it the amount of porn that is setting you off? Is it the type of porn that really ruffles your feathers? My guess is that neither of these is the real issue here. Ask yourself this question: If all of your needs in the relationship were being met, would you still have a problem with him watching porn? If your answer is “no”, then your concern is really about not having your needs met in the relationships (i.e. honesty, open communication, quality time together, fulfilling sex, etc.); if your answer is “yes,” then I suggest you take a closer look at what’s going on inside of you that’s making you insecure about his behaviors. If there are things that you’re wanting (either sexually or in the relationship in general), talking to him honestly and candidly (about you, not him) will help you both to get on the same page.

The truth is, I’m sensing trust and communication issues here, and that’s never good news for building intimacy with someone you care about. You’re checking his computer files to validate your own assumptions, and he’s denying everything and blocking the computer to save face. Instead of continuing this vicious cycle, try something different; something “outside the box” (no pun intended)! First, accept (and believe!) his compliments about your butt, even if he’s watching “big boob” porn! Porn is a fantasy outlet, just like the daydreams you have about the hot guy you pass on the street or the hunky hero in your romance novel; the best part about fantasy is that you get to enjoy it and keep your boyfriend! Second, be supportive of him instead of accusatory, while simultaneously expressing and maintaining boundaries about honesty. Third, if you’re watching porn together and he makes a joke, laugh with him! And finally, try finding some porn that works for you and letting him on it!

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

You are describing growing pains and you will both get past them. Maybe together, maybe apart, but eventually you will both grow beyond this stuff. And let me be clear, the issue you describe here is not PORN… it is TRUST, the very foundation of lasting relationships.He has violated your trust with dishonesty about his porn watching activity. You have violated his trust by spying on him via his hard drive. You BOTH need some advice on this one…

Advice for you:

Communicate your expectations clearly:
You have an expectation of open disclosure and total honesty… we all do in committed relationships. Make it clear that you expect him to be a stand-up guy because sneaky behavior is a big turn off and devalues him as a long term partner.

Regarding the porn, let him know in very clear terms what you are okay with. You have probably done this to a large degree already but do it again, have a quiet an rational conversation about porn and be willing to meet him in the middle. How much porn consumption by him are you comfortable with (if at all)? What types of porn are off limits? Does it bother you when he watches it without you? Once you come to an agreement on boundaries you should expect him to honor that.

Stop spying:
Curiosity often gets the better of us. Your search of his computer for incriminating evidence does not serve either of you well; it can uncover things that upset you, it erodes his trust in you, and will likely entrench his covert behaviors. The best way to keep tabs on him is to be open and non-judgmental. Once he is comfortable that he can share anything with you (as it should be, right?) then the secrets will disappear along with your need to spy.

Rein in your imagination:
He does not watch porn with you and he says he doesn’t watch porn. You say he watches porn a lot… how do you know this? The presence of some porn files on his computer does not mean he watches a lot of porn. Granted, they are available, but your statement implies knowledge of viewing frequency. Stick to what you know and try not to let the emotional aspects of all this cloud your judgement.

Recognize your worth:
Do not objectify yourself, you are so much more than a pair of tits and an ass! He knows this… and he would be hard pressed to find anyone to fill your shoes. So what if he likes to look at big boobs? To whom does he take his horny self when he’s done watching? An active fantasy life is not a bad thing. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery if you constantly compare yourself to everything his eyes see. He loves YOU… and if big tits are what he really wants he will find someone else and you’ll be better off. You do not have movie star good looks, you are not rich, and your breasts do not dispense beer. Get over it. You have a lot going for you and your self confidence is sexier than any over-sized rack of melons he downloads.

Give full credit for all sincerity:
When he compliments you he means it, do not devalue his feelings for you. If he says you have a nice ass then respond with flirtatious appreciation not expressions of self doubt or a challenge to his sincerity. Part of your difficulty here is lack of trust… once he regains your trust you will find it easier to fully accept his affirmations.

Advice for him:

Moderation:
Porn watching is ok; we’re dudes, we watch, I understand. Porn is the reason Al Gore invented the Internet after all. But just like anything else in life, moderation is key. Keep tabs on yourself and look for warning signs, one giant red flag for problems with self control is secrecy.

Openness:
Own up to what you do, if you can’t then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it. If you feel your secrecy is justified and driven by unwarranted judgement then perhaps you’ve surrounded yourself with the wrong people. Weigh what you’d lose by moving on with what you might gain. Note that being realistic is critical here, grass-is-greener mentality traps fools every day.

Respect her wishes:
Respecting her wishes is not the same as “do what she says”. For any issue that polarizes the two of you come to an agreement on what is acceptable for each of you… and then honor that agreement. If you don’t like the terms then renegotiate. If you can’t agree or are incapable of respecting her wishes then you are a bad investment of her time.

Affirm her:
Kandi has some insecurities, she will work through these and it is important for you to be patient and respectful while she does. In the meantime… do not coddle her when she’s self critical with comforting reassurance, this only affirms unhealthy behavior. Instead, elevate her whenever possible with positive affirmation. Boost her self esteem when she’s already up, it gets the most traction that way.

For both of you:

Be honest.
Work with each other.
Be forgiving of mistakes but don’t let yourself get walked on.
Help each other explore fantasy without judgment or self doubt.