Hello my name is Dawn I have been married for 8 months. This is not my first marriage or his . I am 46 and he is 65. Sex was great when we first started and I found out he had an implant for his penis I was fine with it things were great. About three months Into our relationship the implant broke and he had it for ten years. We had it replaced but its not the same it is not very hard and it points down. He can not Make me cum and has a hard time making himself cum. That’s one problem. The major problem we r having is I think my husband is bi- sexual. He has books of naked men all tied up. He looks at naked men tied up a lot. And he wants for me to wear a strap on and do him from behind. He has bought toys for me to do him from behind hand held. He likes to be tied up and spanked and put in pain especially his nipples. I asked him if he was attracted to men and he told me he has had fantasies about men. All this is a major turn off for me cause I feel my husband is not being honest with me. I believe he is bi- sexual or a closet homosexual. He says he is not gay and resents me saying that, he says I am not well read and this is normal. Is this normal? I mean are all men like this cause I have never met a man that needs to be overpowered or in pain to get off and that looks at male naked porn tied up. He likes me to bite his nipples while he jerks off,or uses a tense unit on his his nipples. He wants me to dominate him tie him up etc. I have expressed that this does nothing for me. Is he bi-sexual or maybe gay? What are your opinions? Thank you!

Sincerely:

Lost In The Truth

Dr. Charlie Glickman
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Ok, the first thing I need to respond to is your question “is this normal?” That word has a lot of different meanings and when it comes to sex, many of them get in the way. Are your husband’s desires common? Probably not. But it’s totally normal, in the sense that a lot of men have similar fantasies. And ultimately, the question of whether something is normal or not isn’t really relevant. The more important question is whether it works for both of you. From your story, it clearly doesn’t. So let’s focus on that, instead of whether it’s normal.Second thing- a lot of heterosexual men enjoy anal sex, prostate play, pegging (having a woman use a strap-on), and BDSM. The kinds of sensations people like are because of how their bodies are wired and how they feel about the kinds of sex they do. Sexual orientation is about the gender of the people they’re attracted to. While there’s often a connection between those two things, there’s really no way to determine someone’s sexual orientation from the kinds of sex they enjoy. Trust me- as the author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, I’ve spoken with hundreds of heterosexual men who enjoy anal and prostate play with women.I also want to point out that despite how porn is commonly understood, the reasons and the ways that people enjoy it are complex. Fantasies are also pretty complicated and a lot of people fantasize about things that they don’t actually want to do. That’s not limited to sex- if you’ve ever fantasized about quitting your job and traveling around the world without actually wanting to make that happen in real life, you know what I’m talking about.

So one good question for him is: “What is it about these fantasies that draws you to them?” Different people can have identical fantasies for completely different reasons and the details that turn them on the most can be entirely different, even within the same general story. If he can answer that question, it’ll offer you both some clarity around this. Another really good question for him to consider is “When did these desires first come up for you?” From your story, it sounds like this is a recent shift. Does it have anything to do with the implant replacement? Are these fantasies that were there before that, but that he hadn’t acknowledged? Were they there all along, but he hadn’t done anything about them? Without knowing the answers to these sorts of questions, any interpretation of what they mean is only a guess. And in my experience, those kinds of guesses are very rarely accurate.

With all of that in mind, I don’t think it’s up to me or you to decide if he’s gay or bisexual. The only person who can determine that is him. However, what I hear in your story is a lot of frustration, especially since he wants you to engage in sexual activities that don’t do much for you. Now, one question for you to consider is whether any portion of the reason those things don’t work for you is that you’ve been assuming that they mean something about his sexual orientation and how you feel about that. But it’s also important to know that if your partner’s sexual preferences aren’t your cup of tea, you both need to find a way to find some common ground.

One way to do that is to take turns doing what the other person enjoys. It’s not clear from your story whether you’re getting what you want, or if he only wants to do what he wants. Some couples take turns, and that works better if you can each enjoy your partner’s pleasure and enjoyment even when the things that create that don’t do much for you. Other people find places where their interests overlap so they can do both at the same time. But that really only works if you can both be honest about what you want from each other.

In my opinion, the best way to do that is to work with a skilled couples therapist. Having worked with therapists, both professionally and personally, I can tell you that a good one can work as a communication coach by helping you each find the words you need and the tools to share them with each other. Check out the listings from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. And if there’s nobody close enough to you, call someone in the same general area and ask for a more local referral. Plenty of great therapists aren’t listed on that site but they’ll be in the address books of the folks who are, so that can be a place to start.

I’m sorry that this is such a tough situation for you and I hope that you and your husband can get the support and information you need to get through it. And trust me- other people have been in exactly the same spot you’re in and have come through, just fine.

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
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Dear Dawn,

It’s very difficult to answer questions such as yours without more information. We’re not clear on why you feel your husband is not being honest with you, since your email suggests he has not made any effort to conceal his sexual interests. It’s possible that your “feeling” is right, but based solely on what you’ve described, it also seems possible that he has been honest.While it’s certainly true that some men discover an interest in having same sex encounters later in life, the fact that he’s turned on by these images, sometimes fantasizes about men, and wants anal penetration with a strap-on does not necessarily mean that he wants to take these fantasies any further. It’s possible that he does, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t have any interest in acting on any same sex attraction he may have.

It’s pretty clear that your husband is kinky, and it’s possible that the sensations he experiences in kinky play have become more important to his sexual functioning given his age and whatever health issues led him to get an implant. The erotic imagery you describe may turn him on because he identifies with the man in bondage, not because he wants to have sex with another man. Again, there are other possibilities, and we’re not saying this with any certainty.

You might want to do some reading on kink, perhaps starting with Dossie Easton’s When Someone You Love is Kinky, to get more insights into kink. If you can go with him on the journey, and take pleasure in the fact that dominating him in the ways you describe is a huge turn-on for him, you may find yourself enjoying the role and that your relationship is closer.

Your question suggests that there are multiple issues. One is sexual dissatisfaction; it’s not clear from your email whether he makes any effort to bring you to orgasm or whether your dissatisfaction is broader than that. A second is your concern about his orientation and the accompanying mistrust. Third, there’s your discomfort with his kinkier interests. Addressing all of these issues requires good communication skills, honesty, forthrightness, and kindness on both sides. Finding a skillful, compassionate, and kink-friendly therapist might be the best approach. You might try someone from this directory:

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14