Since I started dating until today, I have never had anyone, not a single woman, be completely faithful. Every single one of my girl fiends, my first wife and my current wife of 10 years, has had an extra experience with sex outside or on top of the time we have been together. Sometimes I have known about it, sometimes I have discovered it later through friends and sometimes they have confessed. I have quit being surprised. I have just learned to deal with it.

From my perspective, the phrase “once cheated on, always cheated on” speaks powerfully to me. I have always felt completely attracted to independent strong women, women who can take care of themselves and make their own decisions. Even though their decisions and independence put them in powerful positions to lead their lives in full and me in danger of experiencing conflicted emotional turmoil; feeling of some sort of loss and then success when I win her back. I remain convinced that I don’t own them, I guess obviously.

All of this has put me in an intensely sexual roller coaster ride that has no end that is now repeating itself. I will admit the feeling of winning her back after her indiscretions are very powerful for me.My first girlfriend noticed how much fun it was to have makeup sex. She was honest and admitted to all the specific details of her outside activities after first I discovered her cheating. I guess I too found the makeup sex was passionate, exhilarating, even intoxicating. Since then I have always been honest with my girlfriends and wives. I always have shared that other women have cheated on me, that I have been faithful and always worked to win them back and tried to make the relationship a success. I am proud of this as proof that I am committed to her happiness.

I do keep my current wife “busy” and we are active, but the moments of indiscretion persist, followed by discovery and unbelievable makeup sex. The die seems cast to repeat itself and as I said, I have learned to deal with it. Am I doing the right thing?

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
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Dear Right Thing~Being on a sexual roller coaster can absolutely be fun and exhilarating with people becoming quite trapped and addicted to the “ups and downs” that by definition come along with it. On the one hand, it serves the purpose of foreplay; on the other, it can be emotionally draining and confusing, ultimately leaving you with a sense of emptiness and uncertainty. The question is: do you want to get off?Regardless of gender, we should all be entitled to live full and independent lives despite our relationship status. You are right…you don’t own them, nor do they own you. However, making one’s own decisions, being independent, or being strong does not justify cheating, poor communication of unmet needs, deceit, and overall bad behaviors. You talked a lot about being attracted to women who exert some level of power and shared your struggle between feeling your loss of power, followed by a feeling of success after “winning them back.” I’m wondering if this theme has been present in other areas of your life or if this has been something you have been dealing with throughout your romantic relationships. What else gives you a sense of power, meaning, or purpose? Sexually, what really turns you on?Alternatively, there are various types of relationship styles that extend past our ideas of traditional monogamy. People engage in open marriages where one or both partners are allowed to sexually engage with others. Couples develop polyamorous relationships where they actually form serious romantic relationships with multiple people and/or another couple. And, some men enjoy being in a relationship with a partner whom they know is being unfaithful while they remain monogamous, also known as cuckoldry. In the cuckold relationship, the man typically identifies with or as a victim, and experiences some level of pleasure out of being submissive and/or humiliated by his wife’s unfaithfulness. Cuckoldry is usually framed under a fetishistic/masochistic umbrella which many people can and do enjoy.Some questions I think you should consider are: Do you feel guilty about enjoying, to some level, your previous and current partners’ infidelities? Do you want to be in a traditionally monogamous relationship? Are you actually troubled by your partners’ infidelities because socially we tend to frown upon alternative relationship styles that don’t fit so neatly into the monogamy box or because you are actually hurt by the cheating? Regardless of the answers to these questions, I think it would still be helpful to have a sit down with your wife to bluntly ask her, “What the hell are you doing?” From a safety perspective, underneath the hot makeup sex, is the real potential of jeopardizing your own health by contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

Unfortunately, there are no definitively right/wrong answers here; you can only figure out what is right/wrong for you. However, please know that you deserve the same level of fulfillment and happiness in your relationship as your partner does!