Hi guys, I just recently discovered your website and I love it! You two have what I’m looking for. Here’s my dilemma. I have never had an orgasm. I’ve been to doctors who told me that there is nothing wrong with me physically so it must be mental. I’ve never given myself emotionally totally to a man (I’m 50 yrs old). I’ve always been able to walk away from a relationship without much hurt. Could that be the reason? I love sex but my heart has never felt safe with a man. How can I relax and learn to orgasm without getting my heart involved? I feel like I need love and orgasm to go hand in hand. I know that’s not true but I feel that way…help me please.

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

The question that comes immediately to mind is: do you masturbate? Many people who have difficulty experiencing orgasm have simply not learned how their own bodies responded. If they lack this basic self-knowledge they are unable to give their partners essential information about how to pleasure them. If you do not masturbate, we encourage you to begin exploring the practice, with as much awareness and self-observation about your physical and emotional state as you can muster. Your goal is to become your own best lover!

Betty Dodson has long recommended using the Hitachi Magic Wand, a very powerful vibrator as a tool for masturbating. The advantage to using a powerful vibrator like this is that the stimulation can bypass your self-consciousness and get you very turned on. Betty has been teaching women to orgasm for decades, and you can find a wealth of instructional information on her site:

http://dodsonandross.com/topic/how-orgasm

Psychological factors can, of course, be a factor when sexual response is involved. If you’ve never felt emotionally safe with a man, it’s possible that there you have some issues that would benefit from being addressed in therapy, so that you can learn to relax and feel safe in a sexual setting. That said, the lack of ability to connect fully with someone on an emotional level does not in and of itself make orgasms impossible.

We advise you not to equate orgasms with love. Some people can be madly in love and still have difficulty orgasming, and others may feel no emotional connection yet experience mind-blowing orgasms with a partner.

It’s also important to remember that, while orgasms are wonderful, sex can be great without them and that sex is best enjoyed without goal-orientation. Becoming overly focused on orgasm as a goal will make it more difficult to have one. The more that you can just be present in the experience, the more you can tune into whatever pleasure you’re feeling in a given moment, the better your chances of being able to come.

Patricia Johnson & Mark Michaels
Co-authors of Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, and Tantra for Erotic Empowerment
www.TantraPM.com

Jane of Dick-n-Jane.com
(degreed Nursing professional)

My advice would be to learn how to have an orgasm alone through masturbation, you can explore without pressure and figure out what it feels like and what it takes to get you there. There are all sorts of great tools out there that really make it quite easy. Once you learn what it takes to get you there, it might make it easier to achieve with a partner. I don’t believe love is necessary to achieve orgasm but it does help with the trust factor, and feeling comfortable asking for what you need.

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

I asked you a follow-up question, you told me you don’t masturbate, and so now I’m going to give you the answer you knew you were going to get… start masturbating.

Most women cannot orgasm simply from vaginal penetration and I’m sure you are well aware of this. I’ll also assume your clitoris has been manipulated every which way by partners trying desperately to give you what no man ever has. However, every time you have ever thought “tonight might be the night I have my first orgasm” there has been someone else in the room with you. The simple dynamic of a second party changes sexual response drastically because it introduces expectations of performance. You want to give your partner pleasure and, at the same time, you want him to gain satisfaction from pleasing you. But now you have a new project and you need to focus on one thing only… so do this on your own.

The vast majority of women the world over masturbate with what they have most readily available, their fingers. A little lube, if necessary, and some focused time exploring what feels best to touch may open some doors for you. For many though, pleasuring with their own fingers is like trying to tickle themselves, it just doesn’t work. Thankfully, many products are readily available to assist.

Mark and Patricia mentioned the Magic Wand, Jane and I have one and we call it The Orgasm Extractor because it can make her come in about 60 seconds under nearly any circumstances. On a tamer scale, Jane really likes her Eroscillator which does an excellent job stimulating her clitoris without overpowering her sense of control. She is also able to use it easily during sex, which is something I would recommend you try as well.

Masturbating your clitoris, either with a toy or with your fingers, during sex may help you find new levels of pleasure. This is not something you should be self conscious of or ashamed to do, most guys love to watch and would appreciate the assistance getting you off. It can be a real turn on to introduce masturbation into your sex play with a partner.

We wish you the best and are excited for you to discover something new about yourself!