I am a woman in my early 50s (no menopause yet) and I have a GREAT sex drive. The problem is my boyfriend of 1 yr, in his mid fifties, has less of one. I can only see him every 2-3 weeks on the weekends so its disappointing to only get it once or twice on a 3-day weekend. Hes always been in great health, great B/P, great physical condition, has no doctor, no insurance and is against taking medication in general.

He has no problem maintaining an erection and can often last for an hour or more, with actual intercourse lasting 5-10 minutes (definitely longer than I can sometimes handle even, as I’m still tight since babies were C-sections). Naturally, if he’s not interested and I am, I start doubting myself, thinking he’s just not interested in me (human nature, ya know!), even though I know realistically that’s not it.

Anything else he can do, or that I can do to help?

Dr. Charlie Glickman
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One of the common causes for friction around sex is when people have different levels of desire. It’s pretty easy for the higher-drive person to feel rejected and for the lower-drive person to feel pressured. And the more they get caught up in those reactions, the harder it is for them to enjoy each other and to make sex fun.

While the stereotype is that men have more active sex drives than women, that’s definitely not always the case. Men fall on a spectrum, just as women do, so there’s nothing inherently wrong with him that needs to be fixed. Having said that, one important question is whether this has always been his pattern or not. If it has been like this for him for most of his life, odds are that it’s simply how he is and the two of you would do better to find ways to work with it. If this is something that changed for him as he got older, he might consider having his testosterone levels checked.

As far as working with things as they are, how do you both feel about oral sex, hand jobs, sex toys, masturbating while he kisses and caresses you, or any of the other many, many ways there are to have sex other than intercourse? Are you each willing to take more time for sex, without focusing on any specific way to do it? That might be one way to go, depending on whether his interest is more active than his body is necessarily able to do.

At the same time, if he’s simply not as focused on having sex as you are, then instead of taking it personally, it’s important to accept that that’s how he and you are, and to work with that. His lower desire doesn’t have to mean that he’s rejecting you. Instead, can you explore solo sex for those times in-between your dates? Tickle Your Fancy is a great guide with lots of useful and fun suggestions, if you’d like some inspiration. Or if the two of you are not monogamous, are you interested in finding an additional partner? (If you are, Opening Up is a fantastic book that covers all the important things to consider and how to talk about them.)

Hope that helps!

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
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It sounds like you are looking for more frequent encounters rather than longer and more intense lovemaking sessions. You should probably start by having a conversation about it. It’s possible that he thinks he’s behaving in the way you want by having fewer encounters and making them last. Start with several positive comments that will assure him that you enjoy your lovemaking and then move into letting him know what could make things better. In this context, it could also be very helpful to ask him to talk about what he’d like sexually. Unless you communicate about this clearly, there’s a good chance each of you is guessing wrong about the other in some way.

In terms of specifics, if you indeed want more encounters and don’t need them to go on so long, you can start by spreading the aspects of your lovemaking over your weekends together, leaving intercourse with him ejaculating for the grand finale. You could begin by giving each other sensual massages, then take a break. Have oral sex the next time and then move in to having genital intercourse that doesn’t end with him ejaculating. Save that for your last session. Alternatively, he might ejaculate during your first encounter. Follow that with several sexual sessions in which he does not, and then have a final session in which he does. Either way, it may be a nice erotic build-up for him that leaves you (and possibly you both) feeling more satisfied.

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)
This flips the standard convention of men being the hornier sex, doesn’t it. I have similar issues in my relationship with Jane and could write at length about what doesn’t work… but my experience is with a different sort of puzzle, a female puzzle which is enormously complex (perhaps you understand that).What you have going for you is that men are typically quite simple in the arousal department, I can say that because I am a man and that makes me a man expert (tongue firmly in cheek). But you may be walking a fine line between pushing his buttons and pushing his limits, perhaps finding that balance is where your real challenge exists.Obvious approaches include flirtation, teasing, suggestive conversation and body language, etc. Sext him, but choose your timing very carefully. You might try ramping up non-sexual physical affection or simply playing [horny but] hard to get, men like to feel they are the pursuer. Explore his sexual experience and try to come up with something novel to catch his interest (prostate massage, perhaps). Take the time to experiment with non-goal-oriented intimate massage. Ask him to help you with some sexual release but don’t give him any, see how quickly he comes back with his own desire. Spend the whole weekend together naked.I could go on suggesting things that would never work for you or him… because I don’t know you, but the point is to get creative. Spend a little time figuring out what might be novel for him, what motivates him sexually, and which of his boundaries might be flexible. If none of that works, just show him your boobs. Men like boobs. I know that because I’m a man.